The Selected Blurbs of Arthur Knibb by Jonny Sweet
Illustration: Tom Kingsley
‘What a sad, sad day for the world, and a loss of one of its greatest ever blurbists.’
These were the dying words of blurbist Arthur Knibb, reflecting with dignity on the talent she was taking with him to the grave. As brother-biographer, I invite you to enjoy those talents in this, the free literary paper which Arthur himself described as ‘unprecedented for a reason’.
THE ARCTIC FLAUTIST
Yes, finally some new light shed on the Eskimo flute: traditionally an instrument with which to lure and then thwack seals.
There has only ever been one mite skilled enough to play the instrument, which differs from the western flute only in that it is a string instrument, that one blows on and has a hammer attached (for the thwacking). In fact, there are those who say both that he couldn’t really play it (because how can you make a sound by blowing on string?) and also those who say it was in fact a violin.
Nevertheless, the Arctic Flautist, later in life a respected Australian Chiropractor, is revealed in this book to be heroic, musical and in his early arctic life, freezing cold.
It was that blurb that, as Arthur writes, finally brought the flautist back into popular culture, and out of chiropractory. He actually went on to be top of the pops a number of times with his flute until people started kicking up a fuss about all the poor seals.
Something not many people know about the following notorious piece of blurbery is that Arthur hadn’t read the book by the time he blurbed it! Watch how he circumvents what many called a ‘big problem’ 1 , or what he called ‘another event in generally quite a drunk evening.’
DR BANNENSBURY AND THE MYSTERY OF LOCH MULDOON
It is impossible to truly say what happens in this thing about Loch Ness: it really is that mysterious. At every stage I was completely baffled- I never knew stuff was so fascinating but also full of intrigue and romance and, maybe, violence. And if there is no violence, it’s only because it feels like there could have been because it’s such a wonderful, perfect, 345-page book.
I cried at the bit in the middle, and almost lost my head in that bit with, in a way, a hot air balloon tussle. At the end – I can’t believe she did that with that hawk! This will either get the Booker or the Pulitzer, depending on whether the critics think it’s fiction or not-in a weird way it’s both and neither.
He really went out on a limb with that hawk bit. But, as I always say, he was a maverick who got results. 2
The following Blurb comes from late in Arthur’s career when he (and much of the literary world) was astonished to find that Harold Pinter got the Nobel Prize rather than him. Ever the pro, though, Arthur doesn’t really let it affect his writing.
WAS IT ALL CHESS?
Grace McAvoy’s book is an exploration into the life of chess champion Herman Antofiski. She concludes that not all of it was, but it was undoubtedly the main focus of Herm’s life (no f**king kidding, Grace).
Herman comes out of it looking like a bit of an ape and Grace comes out of it probably in a lot of debt. As a book, it makes you think, What’s the f**king point?
N.B: Skip the chapter entitled Red Indian Experiences – I’m sure it’s mostly lies and it’s a bit racist at heart.
THE DUCKS OF BRITAIN
Collected information on ducks, such as the mallard, the black duck, the whistling duck, the hooded man, the mallard, the eight-legged duck, Peter’s duck, the arctic loon, the ant (officially part of the duck family), the feathered duck, the ducks’ shame (a moss that grows on ducks in delicate places), the submarine duck, the human man and the mallard.
WHERE’S MY TAIL?
By Alain de Malacrux
People reckon it’s Malacrux’s grand opus, if not his grandest (longest). Malacrux often paints a bleak landscape but this time he’s written a book about a dog.
So this pooch keeps getting tugged backwards by his owner – but there isn’t a leash in sight. He keeps sniffing the bitches – but won’t mount a single one of them. And he claims he doesn’t know who he is, or where he’s from – it’s written on his bloody collar! Critics say it opens a window onto inner human life but it’s EXPLICITLY about dogs and takes place aboard a spaceship for Christ’s sake.
During the latter, hermetic and, as many claim, quite mad stages of his career, Arthur was thrown a life-line by an old friend to blurb the sequel to The Arctic Flautist (Freezing Melodies). Unfortunately he blurbed the packet of digestives lying next to it on the kitchen top. This is his final work.
DIGESTIVES
About 25 different exact circles of biscuit brought together for the first time. A work of obvious genius, store in a cupboard. Further storage instructions:
1) Store upright like a tree or sideways like a fallen tree or at angle like a supporting truss.
2) If softening occurs, smash. Then whisk and re-bake.
3) Never allow cupboard to fall below 60 degrees centigrade. Particularly in wet season.
4) Keep non-human mammals and very young human mammals out of sight. All lizards welcome. Allow fish to taste.’
If you would like to read excerpts from my biography of Arthur ( Arthur Knibb: Dead but Not Buried 3 ), continue here to the web exclusive content.
FOOTNOTES
1 – The Author.
2 – The results, in this case, were very, very negative.
3 – There’s been some confusion about this title; it’s means that although he’s dead, his legacy will continue forever. Also at the time he wasn’t buried because the autopsy was taking a f**king age…
Jonny Sweet
